So does Murphy-Baran feel compelled to join in and to be one of the guys?
“No way,” says Murphy-Baran, senior vice president of market development at NFL Enterprises (the new business and new technology arm of the National Football League).
“There’s no way I’m going to start throwing a ball around. I’d look foolish,” she says. “I will, however, hang out to watch. And I’ll make comments like ‘Great throw!’ But that’s it. They didn’t hire me because I’m a football expert or because I’m a die-hard football fan. They hired me because of my expertise in business.”
She adds, “I think the way to gain the respect of all your colleagues — not just the guys — is to be yourself. Don’t try to be what you think they want or expect.”
Let’s face it, sometimes we can be our own worst enemy. By trying so hard to fit in or by trying to meet our own perceptions of what is expected of us, we wind up shooting ourselves in our own pump-shod feet.
Like Jane (not her real name), a private banker with a very prominent and very male-dominated financial institution. Last spring, Jane’s boss invited her to join a team of male banking colleagues attending a convention in Jamaica for professional athletes. The plan: Schmooze with the athletes and their wives and add some names to the bank’s client list.
“It sounded great,” Jane recalls. “I figured I’d hang out with potential clients at the hotel pool sipping umbrella drinks during the day and entertain them over dinner at night. No problem.”
What Jane never counted on was her male boss signing all of them up to play in a pro-am golf tournament. “I’d never hit a golf ball in my life — unless you count the balls in miniature golf,” she says.
“All the guys I work with play, and my boss just assumed I played, too. He never asked and I never brought it up — we’re not big on personal chitchat here. I was in a panic. I should have just told him I didn’t play, but I guess I was too proud — or stubborn,” she says. “As a woman in a male-dominated field I always feel like I have to work twice as hard to prove I belong. So I tried to become a golfer in three days.”
She took lessons, hit bucket after bucket of balls and agonized. The day of the tournament she got a “fine-tuning” from the hotel course pro, then teed off with the seasoned male golfers in her foursome.
“I was terrible,” she recalls. “Really, just awful. I don’t know what I expected. But they were very nice and very amused when I told them what was up with my game. They all agreed that I was a good sport and a real trouper — which I am. Add in that I’m also an excellent private banker and that’s a winning combination.”
That’s true enough. The problem is, most of us have trouble saying that about ourselves — even when we deserve it. We just hope others will notice. As girls, we’re taught to be modest and demure — to keep our heads down. Boys, on the other hand, get to beat their chests and play Tarzan. Well, it’s time to beat our chests, too.
“In addition to doing excellent work, you must make sure that your work is recognized,” says Deborah Tannen, Ph.D., author of “Talking From 9 to 5″ (Avon Books, 1995, $12.50). “This may consist of making a point to tell your boss, or your boss’s boss, what you have done — either orally or by sending reports or copies of pertinent correspondence.
“All of these dynamics could be derisively dismissed as ‘office politics’ but they are simply a matter of human nature,” says Tannen.
How else are the bosses going to know who has done what? We’ve got to speak up — even if it means interrupting one of the guys.
“There’s value in interrupting,” advises Grey. “If you’re always polite and waiting for your shot, you might wait forever. And don’t be afraid to shake things up a little.”